Bullies and Bystanders or Bravery-Redux

This post below appeared on our website January 11, 2010

https://learningomnivores.com/rules/be-aware-of-bullies-and-bystanders-demonstrate-bravery/  The premise was that bullies, unless confronted, will continue their intimidation.  Additionally, bystanders can increase the pressure by not supporting the person being bullied. Of course, the person being bullied and the bystanders must decide whether it is physically and/or psychologically safe to push back or stand their ground.  The goals are not to get hurt, to be safe, and to be free of physical or psychological threats. This takes courage and an honest threat assessment. Here are some additional and/or current thoughts.  Bullies can be anywhere.

“I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees”

Emiliano Zapata

Families and schools are a good place to start.  The chaos of our political system is also providing elements that increase the risk of conflict and bullying.  ‘According to Forbes Magazine (August 3, 2023), “While 46% of school leaders are considering calling it quits, that doesn’t mean all of them will.” This data has serious consequences for children, parents, and communities. Why? Our thoughts, backed by research and experience.’ (Forbes Magazine)

Principals and superintendents are saying that political positions are showing up more and more disrupting board meetings and taking time away from the issues of operating schools. This results in less and less time spent focusing on learning and teaching. Teachers and educational leaders are leaving the field of education and fewer are choosing to enroll for an education degree. We know that teacher/leadership dropouts result in a decrease of student learning.

The stress experienced of job insecurity in the workplace, work and school relationships, and control issues by families are all impacting school and community programs.  More trauma is being identified, the resulting behaviors, and the dependence on technology, are making classrooms and schools even more difficult.  For more information on trauma issues, see Gabor Mate’ videos on YouTube and his publications.  For the most current research on electronic addition, see John Haidt’s (2014) book The Anxious Generation.

Suggestions to Consider:

1. Physical safety is essential. This is critical for learning.  Those who grow up with unstable families have brains that are on high alert, and safety is the top priority. The same for food insecurity, high drama at home, physical abuse, etc. If you don’t know where you will sleep tonight or what, if anything  you will eat,  the quadratic formula doesn’t warrant much attention or have much meaning. The same goes for schools; they have to provide a physically safe environment to result in learning.
2. As important as physical safety is, psychological and/or emotional safety are also critical. This is true for students and staff. If the staff isn’t experiencing a psychologically safe learning environment, the kids probably aren’t either.  Creating a culture of learning is critical as we strive to demonstrate equity, not just equality.  There are no silver bullets that I know of given fifty years in education.  Creating conditions for maximizing learning is not easy nor for the faint of heart.

 “You cannot give what you don’t have”

Wayne W. Dyer, Oprah Winfrey, and Eckhart Tolle

(I don’t know who said it first)

3. As we look at how the brain is structured, the amygdala is the emotional center of the brain. Sensory input reaches the amygdala before being sent to the neocortex for processing. Our brains are wired to assess threat before we begin to think about information, planning, or reflecting.
4. It is the culture, not test scores that energize learning.  I don’t know of a student or staff member that wakes up and says, ‘I can’t wait to raise those test scores today.’ Expanding our repertoire of learning strategies, engaging students and staff to solve problems, and being on a track of ongoing learning will continue to stretch our commitment and resources.  LEARNING IS WORTH IT. How else do we think we will solve our problems on this planet.  I saw a quote recently, ‘there is no planet B.’

Bullies, in any form, will reduce teamwork, sharing of ideas, and will increase fear.  It is important that leaders address any issue of bullying in the organization. Research by Wil Felps (2006) in Australia reports that one bad apple can cause a 30-40% reduction in productivity.

A good reference is Davenport et.al. (1999) in a book called Mobbing. This happens in the workplace for three reasons.

1. “mobbing behaviors are ignored, tolerated, misinterpreted, or actually instigated by the company or the organization’s management as a deliberate strategy. 
2. this behavior has not yet been identified as a workplace behavior clearly different from sexual harassment or discrimination.
3. the victims are worn down, feel destroyed, and are exhausted. They feel incapable of defending themselves, let alone initiating legal action.”

What if the bully is the supervisor? Laura Crawshaw’s (2007) book, Taming the Abrasive Manager has a few suggestions:

To change their spots, people have to:

1. See the blind spot (the abrasive behavior).
2. Care enough to change the behavior.
3. Learn how to change the behavior.

Therefore, to get my clients to change I had to take the following three steps:

1. Make them see the abrasive behavior.
2. Make them care enough to change the behavior.
3. Help them learn how to change the behavior.

Ultimately, it is the leader at the top of the organizations responsibility to provide a safe environment and positive working conditions.

Read the story ‘The Martyrdom of Andy Drake’ which is in the book,  A 2^nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul by Canfield and Hanson (1997).  The author writes an apology to Andy Drake for his participation in making fun of Andy and basically bullying and excluding him from the author’s social network in school.  This is an open letter to Andy. The author knows the chances are Andy will never read it. The author wrote this letter for himself taking responsibility for his behavior.

I have read this letter to high school students, staff, and parents. When working with students on bullying, I read the letter. At the end, there is usually total silence. After many years I am still touched emotionally.  There is a quote in the story (I paraphrase),

“the hottest corners of hell are reserved for those in a time of crisis who remain silent.”

(I believe this comes from the Inferno by Dante)

Research says bystanders have more impact on the one being bullied than the bully.  The first new rule I ever sent out on twitter said, “Stand Up or Shut Up.”  Who speaks for those without a voice or without status to stand up for themselves?  Who speaks for those who are marginalized?  Ellie Wiesel has a quote that really struck home with me: “What hurts the victim most is not the cruelty of the oppressor, but the silence of the bystander.”  Assuming, as the bystander it is safe, speak up.  Do not tolerate unhealthy workplaces.

Questions to Consider:

• How does it make you feel if you are the one being bullied?
• How does it make you feel to be a bystander and watch someone else being bullied?
• Can you deal with the emotional cost of watching and letting bullying continue?

Here is my hope.  Show bravery by speaking up.  Show bravery by taking actions to help someone being bullied. Show bravery by reporting events that demean others.  Do not tolerate emotionally destroying others or calling people names when in a disagreement.  There is strength in finding others who are making the choice to speak up especially for those who may not have their own resources or support.

Remember a childhood saying.  ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’  Is that true for you?  That is NOT true for me. I have been hurt much deeper by the things people have said to me than the physical pain from athletics, accidents, or actions I have taken.

As I close this post, consider these questions:

• If you are experiencing a bully at work, who are your support colleagues?
• If your supervisor is the bully, what are some ecologically safe actions you might take?
• If you are afraid that you might be using bullying behavior, will you change it? How?

Additional Suggestions:

• Read the book Mobbing to identify organizational behavior.
• Read Taming the Abrasive Manager for suggestions on survival
• Read the Asshole Survival Guide by Robert Sutton. This is a must read if you ae working for someone who is not behaving well.

Stop the Bullying – Start the Learning

References:

Canfield, Jack & Hansen, Mark Victor. (1994). A Second Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul. Deerfield Beach, FL Health Communications, Inc.

http://www. http://www.chickensoup.com/book-story/35139/the-martyrdom-of-andychickensoup.com/book-story/35139/the-martyrdom-of-andy

Crawshaw, Laura. (2007). Taming the Abrasive Manager. San Francisco: Jossey Bass

Davenport, N., Ph.D., Schwartz, R., & Elliott, G.  (1999).  Mobbing: Emotional Abuse in the American Workplace.  Ames, IA: Civil Society Publishing.

Felps, W., Mitchell, T. R., & Byington, E. 2006. How, when, and why bad apples spoil the barrel:  Negative group members and dysfunctional groups. Research in Organizational Behavior,  Volume 27: 181–230.

Forbes Magazine.  August 3, 2023.

Haidt, Jonathan. (2024).  The Anxious Generation.  New York:  Penguin.

Maté, Gabor, MD with Maté, Daniel. (2022). The Myth of Normal.  New York: Penguin Random House.

Sutton, R. (2017). The Asshole Survival Guide.  Boston:  Houghton Mifflin Harcourt